Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
