i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
