I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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