this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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