Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
