I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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