Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
