my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
