i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
