After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
