Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
