hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
