You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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