can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
