I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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