what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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