I got chris browned last night
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
