Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
