3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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