So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
