I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
