my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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