after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
