I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
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