But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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