my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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