My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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