You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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