How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
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Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
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WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.