ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
That's what I'm talking about
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.