Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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