I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
