I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
