don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
