sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
