There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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