the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
