One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
