Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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