Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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