I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
