Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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