Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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