I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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