During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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