A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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