I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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