he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
