he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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