I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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