I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
