Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
