I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
