Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize