This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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