I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
