I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
