Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
