nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
