Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
