Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
