I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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