Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
