my mouth tastes like poor choices
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
